The New Mom Blog

ricki lake vs ten million doctors

I had to pull myself up off the floor (where I have been lolling with our new baby, Sylvia, for approximately six months) to get back to this blog and write about the latest birthing scandal. In case you haven’t heard, the medical establishment is really pissed off about all the feel good home birth stuff that’s been going on (thanks to Ricki Lake) and they want it to end. So they’ve come up with some kind of official statement about how hospitals and birth centers are the safest places for births. And the long-term intent is to encourage states to make home births illegal.

Here’s my opinion for what it’s worth. I think home births are not the solution to what has shaped up to be a genuine crisis in maternal care in America. But the fact remains that home births are entirely appropriate for some people and there is no question that the thousands of excellent, experienced midwives who work tirelessly in support of women and babies would not be doing home births if they had women and babies dying on them! Here’s the deal: home birth is really only advisable given certain factors, including a low risk pregnancy and ready access to a back-up hospital. Please believe me when I tell you that home birth midwives and women who want to live and have their babies live, know this! So it’s not at all a question of what all women should be doing. And sadly, though Ricki Lake says she’s all about “choice,” her documentary—most of which I really loved—did go over the edge in terms of making home birth seem the only way a thinking person would go. It’s a great movie, so there’s no reason to alienate people who might support the idea but for so many possible reasons cannot have a home birth of their own.

Home birth isn’t safest for everyone. There’s no doubt. But does that mean the hospital “the safest” place for everyone to give birth?

]]> Unfortunately, the statistics are not leaning in that direction either. One in three women are getting a c-section, increasing a variety of risks most very small, some large. One of the best points in Jennifer Block’s PUSHED is that elective C-sections and unassisted home births are both “solutions” to the same crisis. Confronted with a hospital birth, some women think, “God, it all sounds so awful, just cut the baby out of me at a prescheduled time.” Others say, “I’m just not going in there! I’ll do it myself!” It may seem that the elective c-section mama and the unassisted homebirther have nothing in common but Block’s point is that they are both just responding to a similarly lousy situation.

IDEALLY, there would be really fantastic birth centers all over the place so women really and truly have this so-called choice that everyone keeps talking about. And hospitals would have better policies (i.e. more rooming in and more labor support and fewer unnecessary interventions) and home births with experienced midwives would be legal in every state.

When I was ready to have my second baby in NYC – what’s the population here 18 million??? — everyone kept saying, “What about a birth center?” Well, I toured the birth center at St. Luke’s and it was fine but there were about three rooms and the likelihood of getting into one the day I went into labor was very slim!

I think it’s terrible that home birth and hospital birth are pitted against one another. I just don’t want to see some poor woman die because she had a dangerous unassisted home birth and I can’t stand watching the c-section rate soar. The more polarized this debate becomes the more likely we’ll see that kind of thing.

I’m back! Missed you all. Hope to be here more often. Here’s a baby face – Sylvia’s -- to add a little sweetness to my diatribe.

eternally infantilized

The pacifier most certainly has its place.

But this is not it.

in glass we trust

A new solution to the poison-leaching plastic baby bottle problem: it's glass, but kid safe. We've been trying to phase out the dr.brown's ourselves. But we're finding that a lot of the less toxic options have other problems, like leaking out large quantities of milk on a regular basis. This new option sounds kind of appealing in an old school/new kind of way. Any other suggestions?

(found this bottle via the new Dwell magazine kitchen blog, which I'm reading even though I'm feeling somewhat disillusioned with their evolving brand message.)

ok, maybe i'll have the salad

All this scary health news has dragged us out of a months-long blogless inertia. Among the disturbing health findings this week is a new study reporting that one and a half cups of coffee daily can double your miscarriage risk in early pregnancy, much less than previously thought. And then there's the NYT exposé on mercury in tuna sushi (login required).

Tests of tuna from twenty purveyors (high end restaurants and stores) produced such high mercury ratings that a good 1/3 of the fish could have been seized by the FDA. According to the readings, a single plate of tuna sashimi could exceed your maximum recommended mercury intake for a week. And that's not counting the yellowtail app or the toro scallion hand roll that finishes up the meal.

Mercury quotas are calculated for adults. My four year old is crazy for tuna sushi. I've been letting him have a piece or two every month or so, thinking how much mercury could be in one little piece? So much for that. Even a bite seems questionable when you're thirty-seven pounds.

I've been pretty tuna-avoidant for the past five years since I've been pregnant or nursing most of the time. Even when we went to Masa, I only got a half portion of the toro parfait. But we're a sushi-loving family... I can't just blow the whole thing off. I try to consult the NRDC's incredibly useful mercury in sushi chart when I can, often while sitting at the table (thank you, iphone).

And Sara Kate of The Kitchen (a fellow recent gestator herself) just wrote about Kona Kampachi, Hawaiian yellowtail that's supposedly toxin-free. I've got high hopes... and a lot of post-post-pregnancy cravings that need sating.

what is your due date(s)?

This definitely falls under the category of "wish I'd thought of it." It's a DUE DATE CALCULATOR that gives you a "safe range" for a term birth instead of pinpointing just one day. I typed in my LMP and discovered that my range is between Dec 2 and Jan 6th, not the precise December 25th every other calculator has produced. I'd much prefer to say to people I'm due "in December" than "December 25th". (For one thing there would be fewer jokes about what's in Santa's bag.) Only 5% of babies are born on the so-called due date. Full term can mean anything between 38 and 42 weeks, and it's time the calculators started to reflect that reality. We've seen too many mothers shocked to go into labor two weeks "too soon" or agonizing over being "late." So thank you Mothersnaturally.org for making normal pregnancies seem more normal!

I learned about this website from Jennifer Block's Pushedbirth.com. Blocks' book, Pushed, was one of my favorite reads of the summer. She does an incredible job explaining how and why maternity care in the US is such a huge mess. It's actually a page-turner, which is pretty amazing for a book in which every other line has a footnote. Rebecca and I were happy to have met Jennifer in person last Friday night when we all appeared on the Joey Reynolds overnight radio show. It aired at 3 AM. Lucky for us it was taped.

charlie sheen's aggressive breastfeeding campaign

Seems there are some porn addicts out there who support breastfeeding. (Scroll to paragraph eight).

harvard med student engorged and enraged

This is a bad week for breastfeeding. I just read that a judge has rejected a Harvard student and breastfeeding mother's request to be given a pumping break during her nine hour medical licensing exam. (A medical exam no less!) The AOL report I read includes a poll and at the moment the majority of readers are agreeing with the judge. So sad. This + Bill Maher = serious disconnect between much of the country and the reality of breastfeeding mothers. I think even those who consider themselves supportive of breastfeeding really DO NOT understand what it takes. And the only way they will is to institute some kind of basic national education campaign that doesn't JUST talk about the benefits of breastfeeding but literally explains how milk supply and demand works. It's sort of pathetic to have to get to this. But I can't see any way around it.

How about this: From now on ALL HIGHSCHOOL STUDENTS are taught how breastfeeding works in either sex education or ninth grade biology. Take your pick. But make it mandatory. It's too exhausting for us to have a debate with a public that just doesn't know the facts.

for the dogs

oh, bill. I have to say, i never liked you much. I guess I'm just suspicious of smart guys who don't seem to like smart women. But still, I never expected this. And Ceridwen, who watches you every week, felt truly betrayed. Apparently none of your bright young writers learned much about breastfeeding up there in Boston. Why should they, since it's a subject roundly dismissed by anyone who isn't directly faced with lactation. But a little homework would have been helpful. If someone had researched, you could have saved yourself the vitriol of many. Look, we know you're not into the kid thing. That much is clear. It's one thing to prefer your own relationships unencumbered by the burdens of reproduction, and another thing to publicly seethe with derision at those who choose to litter the world with their offspring. If you consider procreation a narcissistic act, fine. Say that, instead of foisting the blame on women who are fighting for their reasonable, legal rights: rights which are too often still challenged, no thanks to people like you. Your rant was bald misogyny, and it told us a lot more about you than we wanted to know.

Bill Maher on public breastfeeding, from YouTube (skip to middle at 2:59):

the fed factor: parenting lessons from the court

I am obsessed with Roger Federer. I sit in front of the TV talking about the many, many ways in which the man just gets it right. Look at those other players, grunting, cursing, futzing with their shirts, grabbing towels every five seconds, adjusting what seem to be costume pirate bandanas on their heads. And over on the other side is Federer, calmly and sweatlessly crushing in his elegantly tailored black togs. He doesn't have a coach. He doesn't need to discuss an opponent's game “for an hour,” he says he can size it up in "15 seconds." Then at the end of the match he’s charming, gracious and humble. What does this have to do with motherhood? More than you might think.

We’re a generation of over-coached parents. How can we trust our instincts when we are bombarded with so many opinions and conflicting data? Getting just the right amount of information in the age of information might just be the key to success. Federer is not without coaching. He has had the best training. But then at a certain point he walked away. And let himself be the authority. When you trust yourself you’re less likely to screw up. Or second guess. And you’re more likely to feel great about what you’ve accomplished. So if we are to apply to the Fed Factor to parenting it would go like this:

• Information and opinions should be in service of your instincts. Read the basic spread of info and walk away. Your ability to adapt and think on your feet will be undermined if there are too many voices in your head.

• Never be smug about success. Accept that as a mother you are never “done.”
You won the Grand Slam today (the baby slept through the night), but there are other Grand Slams (nights) to come.

• Acknowledge your work. Fed is not afraid to say “I played really well.” There’s no false modesty. There’s no, gee wiz. You are working hard. Own it!

• Wear clothes that fit. You are busy (playing the US Open/raising kids), you should not have to deal with a wedgie.

Care Bears on Fire (this is not a recall)

Fresh off the family Mac and onto YOUTUBE, Brooklyn pre-teen band, The Care Bears on Fire have released their new video !

Ahh... the skateboarding, the hipster kids, the basement in the 3 million dollar brownstone are all so easy to mock and, well, envy. But come on! I listened to "Kids in America" as a pre-teen and wore new wave boatnecks. And I performed. It was Annie Get Your Gun rather than the Gun Club, but still the 8th graders I partied with were all about putting on a show. Aw shucks, it's such an innocent time- right before the other (adolescent and crushingly self-conscious) shoe drops! Makes perfect sense and frankly the Care Bears are WAY sweeter to these ears than The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow. AND music is marketed to kids! Why not let them in on the action? OK,that's my defense. Somehow I felt I needed to mount it even though the kid rock trend is doing just fine without me.

get off the bus

It was a struggle to get past the opening paragraph (when will it stop being necessary to describe the streets of Park Slope as clogged with mothers and nannies? Can we just slap a stroller symbol onto that part of Brooklyn in the next version of the MTA map and be done with it?). But I powered through and was rewarded with that trademark Modern Love Aggravation. This week's Urban Agita subject: saying I love you to babies. I have a vague memory of feeling a little dopey saying I love you to my son at first, so I get what the author is saying. I'm actually just as interested in the phenomenon of the "Wheels on the Bus" lyric evolution as anything else. I always thought it was kind of nasty that the moms had to spend their bus rides trying to shut their kids up. But the kindler, gentler version (more apropos to the current mommy model) apparently has its down sides too.

through the eyes of a pregnant woman, or the worst part about breastfeeding is all that pumping

We went to a beautiful country fair in Maine this weekend, and while Alfred was thrilled with the rides and cotton candy....

... I found myself drawn to other "attractions."

pacifier phaseout, the swedish solution

another brilliantly designed bit of kid stuff from our heroes up north.

via Living in Andyland

things that made me sick, part 1 and 2

1. making homemade paneer cheese: a bad idea for people with frequent exposure to spit-up.

2. Burt's Bees peppermint foot lotion. My relaxing Good Wife Foot Massage backfired into a group gag session. What the hell do they put in that stuff?

taking drugs to make art for other people to not take drugs to

The other day, I took my four year old and nine month old to the big summer show at the Whitney: Summer of Love: The Art of Psychedelia. My son went nuts in the room with the strobe lights and the dayglo tiled floor. The baby was Oh!ing with excitement at every turn. And you should have seen her rocking to the fuzz-wah riff in "Defecting Grey", silhouetted against an oil and water film backdrop. There were a few other kids at the show, and they were all really into it. Now and again a passerby would complain to their cohorts about it being inappropriate; drugs and sex and all. While I did stop short of the explicit Yayoi Kusama film (annoyingly enough, for me) there was nothing else in the show that felt wrong for my son to see. In fact, it seemed to be right up a kid's alley. Bright colors, great music, fun shapes… what's not to like? I've often thought that the Baby Einstein videos were oddly similar to psychedelia. I curled into a half-womb segment of Panton's Phantasy Landscape Visiona II , switched the audio tour to the Velvets and watched my kid climb crazy over the art.

It was strange to return home from this groovy wonderworld to the (very minor and possibly contrived) controversy of Babble's pot mom story . The Three Martini Playdate is a well-marketed parenting ethos, complete with a sequel. But one toke, and the pot mom gets, gotta say it, stoned by the villagers. I'm not suggesting that piece would have been any better received had she said she was taking swigs of vodka out of a flask…or maybe I am. Cocktails are the acceptable freedom of autonomous adults. Pot is for the young and irresponsible. A glass of wine or two? Of course, mommy's gotta unwind. But no one's going to say that being high around your kids is ok. We just don't live in that kind of world. But we don't live in the kind of world that people who chastise mothers who smoke talk about either, where everyone sits in lifeguard chairs waiting at the ready for a threat.

In this world, parents wouldn't be impaired or distracted in any way. No phone calls, no checking email, no cooking dinner. True, these things don't affect your nervous system. but they certainly affect your attention. And don't they affect your response time? Many of the angry mobsters railed at the idea that as a parent, you need to be ready to act at any instant. What if that instant happens while you're finally on the phone with the insurance company after twenty minutes on hold? Or while the UPS guy's buzzing, or your office suddenly needs a file that you swear was right here on your desktop yesterday? Pot may impair your reflexes, but from what I can remember from my own wild oats, whenever something scary happened while I was impaired, the buzz vanished instantly.

Although my parents were less hippies than "hippie style", there was some passing of joints around the Passover seder. Oral history has me arbitrating the order of smokers at a Tanglewood concert circa 1973.* I have not repurposed my son's preschool bossiness in such a manner and have no intention of making pot smoking part of his family experience...especially not after my just-say-no-fueled confrontation of my mom, at the aforementioned seder table.) Using drugs of any kind to "get through" something (parenting or otherwise) is a semi-questionable situation. While neither of us here at thenewmom has personally smoked pot in quite awhile, we do have a deep respect for its benefits (from a purely hypothetical/historical standpoint). There must be a reason that stoned people and children have a shared appreciation of things. Could shared appreciation lead to more attention, rather than less? They recently discovered that driving while talking on the phone is actually more dangerous than driving drunk.

So who knows?

*my mother would like you to know that she "hardly ever smoked pot". Also, she says, it was the time.